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Written by Maria Vellanz
Solitude: what does it mean to you?
Solitude.
Time alone.
Loneliness.
What do these words means to you?
Your circumstances, experiences, or more importantly, how you feel about yourself will answer.
‘Peace and quiet’, ‘me time’, and ‘retreat’ are common terms, but not necessarily linked to the word, ‘solitude’.
“Solitude” is often synonymous with ”loneliness’, but they are very different from one another and are NOT to be confused.
- Solitude is being by yourself (often by choice) without downcast feelings like sorrow, agitation, or anxiety. Potential benefits, such as personal sovereignty – you can spend your time, on your own terms.
- Loneliness is feeling alone, and can occur in crowded places, with friends, family, at work, even in a long-term relationship, not just by yourself. It is potentially distressing and detrimental to health and wellbeing (see below).
- There is Emotional Loneliness, where there is a feeling of lack in close relationships, and Social Loneliness, where someone feels isolated from the wider community. Both are equally as painful (Weiss, 1973)
Solitude had become a prolific and concentrated topic recently, and piqued my therapist curiosity. Fascinated by the disparate and varied responses people had to being on their own, I asked permission to share.
(ALL parties were consulted. ALL identifying aspects removed for ethics, privacy and respect).
Responses to Solitude:
- Being alone was starkly terrifying – the longest amount of time they had ever spent on their own (10 days), but paradoxically felt ‘strangely disappointed’ when back in the company of loved ones. This has invited deeper exploration. The solitude felt like a gaping chasm of loneliness and anxiety, but highlighted old memories that otherwise may not have been seen. Addressing such feelings is not easy.
- After initial feelings of intense, acute, anxiety, solitude had become a surprising gift – they are now using this insight to write their first book – a novel, and have discovered they like their own company. Life feels positively different, but acknowledges there is still work to do on themselves. They feel this was a profound shift in their life.
- Someone who, when with others, craved to be by themselves, especially at social events, only to find they wished to be with people again when alone. They identified that they had spent their lives catering for others needs, they did not know their own. Solitude created feelings of ‘being lost’ and not knowing themselves. They have a new awareness – it’s a process in self-growth and discovery. – learning to accept and like themselves.
- Circumstantial aloneness felt like ‘abandonment’ (Summertime – everyone was on holiday). Realising this was beyond their control (Summer breaks are common, not a social rebuff), chose to ‘fight through the discomfort’. On reflection (and after a tearful release) they named it as vulnerability and shame – years of suppression came to the surface. The time and space cultivated, inner-strength, and new insights, ”I used to resent not being able to travel, but discovered, …I can travel ‘within’ and find new places in me I never knew existed.”
This is a very small sample, but no-one responded alike. What they have in common however, is their time with solitude was finite – they have social choices and could be with others again if they wished to. For those who do not have those choices, it is much more difficult.
We all need a balance between solitude and social connection, otherwise being alone can feel lonely, and if not addressed, can be limiting or devastating.
Yanguas et al (2018), outline in their clinical paper (below), “The Complexity of Loneliness”, some of the negative effects:
- Loneliness is a universal global problem…and can affect anyone.
- Illnesses such as heart, cardiovascular and lung disease, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, stroke, and metabolic issues, like obesity are just some of the effects.
- A major contributor to poor psychological health: e.g. depression, anxiety and shame. Impaired sleep is also more likely.
- Interventions (e.g. ‘Social Prescribing’ in the UK) have demonstrated long-term effectiveness in reduction of loneliness in adults.
Things you can do if loneliness takes hold:
The factors behind loneliness are complex and vast, and can induce feelings of inadequacy and shame. Taking steps to ask for help are equally as daunting, but worth it. Here are some things you can do:
Therapy:
Talking to someone impartial, professional and non-judgemental is often a good start. A therapist will support you. It does not just have to be about loneliness, we can help with all sorts of wide-ranging issues, in a safe space, and is totally confidential. With the right therapist for you, therapy can be positively life-changing. If you are looking for a counsellor in Bristol, there are many options. Remember to take your time in choosing the right counsellor for you.
Or alternatively, please see below in the, “Getting help and reaching out” section for options.
Social prescribing:
Regardless of age, background, abilities, health conditions, you can access Social Prescribing. A network, of charities, agencies, or health services can help you link with the help, or groups you need. Some of the activities include: volunteering, arts and crafts, gardening, befriending, cookery, or sports and fitness.
Befriending:
Befriending Networks is a UK-wide organisation that connects people to the services they need (regardless of age, background, or ability). There are online, telephone as well as in person reach outs. Or alternatively, volunteering opportunities are available if you wish to get involved.
Loneliness is growing, but so is the need for Solitude:
The American opinion survey platform (SSRS), found that 56% of people choose to be alone for the sake of their mental health.
This suggests that despite the stigma of being alone still exists, the benefits of Solitude are getting noticed, and are helping people:
- You have full control of your time. You decide when to wake up, eat, work, or rest—without needing to ask or adjust for others.
- Enjoy your space your way. No needing to tidy, playing music when you want to, you are in charge!
- Relaxing without guilt: Alone time helps you recharge, recalibrate and settle your frazzled mind. Quiet time for you – no explanations to anyone.
- Discovering who you are: Solitude provides space, quiet and clarity. Your thoughts, reflections, feelings, and behaviours are seen with clearer insight. This encourages growth and better decisions.
- Independence: Resolving problems by yourself is a collection of ‘wins’, building self-confidence. Solitude’s space and time enables learning at your pace, and the rewards are yours.
- https://www.buoyhealth.com/learn/alone-but-thriving-love-life-without-partner
The positive side of Solitude in the Media and Culture:
The subject of Solitude has grown in recent years, via the media, research, even arts and culture.
Flora Tsapovsky (for the BBC) wrote about the benefits of solitude, and included the film, “Perfect Days”, a film by Wim Wenders (released in 2023) as a demonstration. The central character is almost always alone, but contented with it; mindful, reflective and comfortable. It has been said to be relaxing to observed. In literature, a multitude of titles such as, “Solitude: The Science and Power of Being Alone” (N. Weinstein, H. Hansen, T.T Nguyen), and “Solo: Building a Remarkable Life of Your Own” (Dr. Peter McGraw, 2024), are on the shelves. Solitude, and knowing what to do with it is as important to our health as fulfilling social connection. Finding that perfect balance is key.
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Resources:
Getting help and reaching out:
Bristol Counselling and Psychotherapy:
Campaign Against Living Miserably:
The Mix:
Saneline UK:
Silverline:
National Academy for Social Prescribing (NASP):
Gov.uk Social prescribing:
Articles on Solitude and Loneliness:
“The Experience of Emotional and Social Isolation”: Weiss 1973
Health Information:
“The Complexity of Loneliness”: Javier Yanguas, Pinazo-Henandis, Tarazona-Santabalbina:
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Media/Literature/Culture – Benefits of Solitude:
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