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Written by Adriana
Couples and Individual Counsellor
Bristol Counselling and Psychotherapy
This inner sensing appraisal scheme is used to calculate how much our parents succeeded in instilling within us a sense of belonging. That was the gist of the conversation I had sitting with friends in early Summer. One of us rallying to point the finger at parents, as if to say, “They did it!”. But it just seemed too obvious to me. Too easy…
Okay, I get it…
…as kids we are dependent on parents for food, touch-kindness, tonal-patience and warmth-love. Hidden deep in these offerings are embodied micro-expressions that channel how much parents accept our place in their life. I think that’s just how it is. We love-blame parents because our childhood was on their watch and because they presided over our care.
But later, after childhood, a confronting plot twist occurs that challenges the results of that early inner angst sensing appraisal. It has to. There has to be a moment when we grow-up and become a main character; the protagonist in our own story.
Imagine, in a moment of clarity assumptions are dismantled. Teary, newly adult eyes gaze at a copy of the script and begin to read between the lines. Somehow, sifting through a lot of previously unnoticed foot-notes and front pages we are able to re-configure an alternative version of the events.
“We were misled, we didn’t understand”.
Our legs give way beneath us. And in a heart racing moment new perspectives bombard our brains…
“…The genre of life’s film was never a Rom-Com. Instead, and this whole time, damn it, it’s been a Coming of Age, Quest”.
This is a tricky one.
When we are young we grossly over-simplify and idealise the nearly impossible task of parenting, (governing and stewarding). Selective memory makes a montage that edits out the complication. Lack of experience and the absence of penetrating curiosity forces us into believing we’re in a Netflix romantic mini series with a delightful happy ending.
But*
PLOT SPOILER: Our parents do not write the script or direct the action. In the ongoing drama they are just members of the cast. Legacy and culture own the theatre, organise appearances, determine the origin stories, and keep everyone in suspense with constant script changes. Even the most modest daytime drama sees every episode ending in a cliff hanger, we know this. We also know that there is going to be a surprise ending.
How we become who we are not. A most terrible awakening.
The ‘Me Too’ movement exposed so many things, but quietly central were clues that showed how tempted humans are to diminish and sacrifice themselves in order to fit in. Bear with me. Inequality and power imbalances between the beauty and the beast, or a main and minor-characters; these are classic and age old dilemmas. They raise the question: Do I continue to play along or oppose those more powerful than me?
Fitting-in begins when we are kids. Defined by our situation and personality we (generally) try to become the most acceptable version of ourselves. But, in doing this, we become someone else. So we try to belong outwardly, but the more we do that the less we belong to ourselves. Our true self is just incrementally eroded to make room for the fabricated version we present. Resentments manifest, resentments we point at parents.
Imagine authority is like sunshine, we bend ourselves to bow towards it. Family culture and societal expectations inform us with those pesky micro-expressions. This is socialisation. It’s us bending ourselves in order to best survive. The Me-Too movement featured people who found themselves cornered, not realising until it was too late, that the ‘powerful or parental figure’ did not have their best interests… This is an abuse of power. This is real.
The Inciting Incident
However, this moment is defining; when we see who we/ they really are the Second Act begins with a devastating revelation. This can be a partner, the government, our healthcare or educational system, or the company we work for. Any of these powerful players can take on a trickster character and ‘move the action on’ in our lives. The choice is to continue diminishing and sacrificing ourselves to fit in, and wait until things becomes more intolerable. Or we can begin ‘becoming’ a protagonist/ main character in our own story. The Inciting Incident is never nice, it’s role is to finally force our eroded and diminished parts to awaken. The power of our authority figure, like The Wizard of Oz, then starts to incrementally erode and reduce; their bluff, at last, revealed.
Carl Jung spoke of our Life Quest as a transforming energy that urges us away from conformity towards ‘Individuation’, which is the reprisal of our true-selves. The sword and shield are self-awareness and intention. Like this we ‘grow-up’, simultaneously rewriting our role.
Revelation and Becoming
It’s only when we are no longer able to push down feelings of fury, sadness, freeze or frustration that our inner conflict explodes through our allotted character. This climax is poised to push us towards ‘Becoming’ (ourselves).
Parents can’t take responsibility for our personal and emotional evolution.
Belonging, I’d say, is like a North Star. If we move towards what feels right our sense of belonging can be our inner compass. It is a guiding inner light we can use to set a course towards finding our selves and our tribe.
Life just can’t be a Rom-Com, as we move towards maturity, it has to turn into a Coming of Age – Quest or we’d simply get bored.
(If your parents sold you into slavery, rape or child labour (etc.) your situation is just more complicated than the one expressed above).
If any of this resonates with you or a loved one, Adriana is here to help. She has availability and is ready to help you as you try to make sense of ‘Belonging & Becoming’. So get in touch to book an initial consultation.
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