Cases of family estrangement are not only becoming more prevalent, but they are also on the increase. An excerpt from this article notes that “A recent British survey defines it as “the breakdown of a supportive relationship between family members,” and that definition captures the heartbreak of family estrangement: Those who are supposed to support you, don’t. Those who should be on your side, aren’t.”

There are many reasons that an adult child may decide to distance themselves from one, or both of their elderly parents. 

Ongoing Manipulation or Abuse

In some cases, some form of abuse has taken place against the child, and they may not have received any help, leaving them traumatised on some level. Once they become adults (even without formal therapy), they have a clearer picture that they have been manipulated, and if it continues, they choose to distance themselves from the aggressor. 

In certain situations, removing yourself from a stressfully triggering situation allows you to regroup and address the problem with a clearer focus. Unfortunately, many elderly parents who have successfully manipulated their children are in their  set in their ways, and accustomed to getting what they want, so will continue to do so, dismissing any suggestions that they may be at fault. 

As Grandparents: Unsolicited Parenting Advice and Undermining Parental Authority

Older generations often believe that children should be seen and not heard – even when those children are adults. They often fail to accept that the world in which they were raised, and in which they raised their children no longer exists. Parenting techniques have changed drastically, yet some grandparents will try and force their child-rearing ways on their grandchildren, which may lead to animosity, and if ignored, estrangement on some level, often instituted from adult children’s side.

Unrealistic Expectations

We are wired to interact with others, with some relationships being exceptionally important to our existence. Ageing can be a lonely process, especially if a spouse or life partner has passed on, and worse in the instances where the deceased dealt with issues such as managing the finances of the household. 

Single, elderly parents may begin to have unrealistic expectations of their adult children, such as demanding to spend time with them, irrespective of whether it may be convenient. In the case of not being financially knowledgeable, the parent may also begin to place undue financial stress on their adult children, ‘advising’ them on how to spend their money, to be able to support them too.

Respecting Boundaries

In the paragraphs above, a disrespect of boundaries is evident. As parents age, they do regress into an almost childlike state, but unless they are dealing with an illness like dementia or Alzheimer’s, they should be able to distinguish acceptable behaviour from the opposite. A large percentage of family estrangements are the result of a parent not respecting certain boundaries their adult children have set. 

As a parent, you need to bear in mind that while you are getting older, your children have lives of their own. Respect that they cannot, nor should they be expected to, drop everything to attend to you. They have lives of their own, with priorities – the same way you did when you were parenting them. 

One scenario that received substantial mention is how some parents don’t approve of their children’s spouses and make no attempt to hide it. Parents of adult children, especially the mothers, need to realize that the child they raised decided to marry that person, who will one day be their grandchildren’s father/mother. Disrespecting your child’s spouse is a sure-fire way to cause a rift that may lead to long-term estrangement. In the case of parents having remarried while their children were still home, consider for a moment how you expected your child to respect your decision, no questions asked – why can’t you do the same for the child you bore?

Therapy Can Help

Family dynamics can be difficult to navigate at the best of times. Wanting to reconcile with an estranged family member is highly unlikely to happen without the assistance of a qualified therapist or family counsellor to ask the right questions and mediate the discussions into fruitful, productive sessions with positive outcomes. We offer counselling in Bristol to individuals, couples, teens and workplaces.