Written by Adriana Dorsett – our individual and couples therapist

For a couple of years I have heard people talking about emotional intelligence, to which I have been both intrigued, and confused. Somehow, the words Emotional Intelligence seem triggering, like another incomprehensible slur being chucked about on social media. But, at last, I feel ready to translate what I think lies at the centre of this idea, which has nothing whatsoever to do with intelligence. 

At school we were taught to say what was expected, this was called, ‘the right answer’. Well Emotional Intelligence is the opposite of that. It is, instead, an adventure in individual self-expression. So no intention to offer a popular view, even when you’re being positive it’s going to be your personal take.

Because school has been, and still can, be a factory to mass produce right and correct answers, right across society there is a widespread use of ready made expressions. As kids we dared not say what we actually thought, and so silence and the fear of getting it wrong were provided to replace original thinking. And just like that the opportunity to relate to things utilising inner connection evaporated. Deep sigh… This has left us, as adults, using words like: lazy, nagging, and childish etc. (Fyi there are thousands of these, far too many to mention them all). There is also a fashion for diagnostic language, where people accuse each other of being: autistic, narcissistic, gaslighting, or sociopathic etc. These ‘ready mades’ not only label people (very often incorrectly), but also they punch down on the recipient, without communicating anything that resonates on a deeper level. 

I’m not convinced we intend to offend. Instead I think this way of speaking is the only way left to us that accesses and expresses our feelings of emotional pain or difficulty. Unfortunately the impact can be a to-&-fro of upset and insults followed by a cascade of: shame, fractures that attack feelings of safety, and eventually erode our delicate intimate connections. This is, I believe, what folks are getting at when they call for a need to be more emotional intelligent. It is also why people avoid difficult conversations. And this is not because we are stupid, it’s because people are too afraid to practice the subtle art of connecting with their emotions to perceive their inner wisdom, and expressing what comes. 

With our own thoughts and feelings, having been invalidated people go into a panic. En masse, we shy away from asking ourselves, in advance, what is it that we want the person to know, and feel or understand from our tone and choice of words. As the silence persists people become increasingly rattled, collapsing into “you’re an idiot”, rather than sensing into the real issues. Obviously, I’m not suggesting we stop getting annoyed and kicking-off. It’s not about replacing angry exchanges, which also play a part. It’s more about choosing some occasions to collaborate with our deeper sense of the situation; to mindfully bring a quality or tone that is sensitive, and then to attempt to convey our message. 

This endeavour, to intentionally reflect on and form expression on the beautiful and the bothersome, encapsulates my version of emotional intelligence. This is not just another form of criticism. We might not get it right first, second or even third time. Which means that emotional intelligence is the pursuit of understanding one’s own feelings, with the act of to putting these into words. 

In psychological terms this is called mentalisation, which is considered to be the central component, not only of therapy, but also of self-actualisation (finding oneself). It helps us to connect with ourselves and others. It allows us to communicate feelings in a way that is not exaggerated, but genuine and authentic. It helps us to be heard, respected and understood. This approach can also have a transformative effect on others. As this way of being elevates our relationships with the people close to us, who may be lured into mirroring our thoughtful manner. Thus completing a wider circle of authentic communication. The potential outcome is to transform the tone and nature of our relationships through conversation that draws us towards shared meanings. We may not agree with each other, but we will see and hear each other.. 

How we begin:  

First and foremost is the decision to pause. To pause is essential. This is the moment we check-in with ourselves.

Next, is to know that not all situations require our deepest level of inner reflection. No one can expect/ demand this, it is our gift. 

Maybe we can ask the other person if it’s okay that we offer ideas that delve into our deeper self. To choose to collaborate and reflect. 

Then, the hardest bit, which is to inner sense; and to try out words/phrases to see if they fit. Yes, I’m asking you to guess out loud and see if it feels right for you. 

We might mix in metaphors and/or dabble in evocative language. We might remember something from the past. We are tuning in to our inner world in this way.

We can also notice the effect we’re having on the other, and check in with them to ask what it’s like to hear our ideas and deeper feelings. We might need to hold-off, if it’s not the right time.

As our perceptions have often been outlawed, cultivating ‘emotional intelligence’ can be to gently persuade the kitten out from under our coffee table. It may take time; but it is the endeavour that is the goal. The act of trying, alone, can be inspirational. It expresses a care-full-ness, which is a component of love. It can move us towards a new inner connectivity and a more meaningful way of being.

Circling, Focusing, Mindfulness and Authentic Relating are all well-being systems that offer safe opportunities to practice these adventures into expression with others, who are also seeking the same.

If you’d like to book an initial consultation with Adriana, you can get in touch here. You can also read about Adriana on our Team Page.