One of the best ways of supporting each other is talking – but death, dying and bereavement can be some of the hardest things to talk about. It can seem impossible to find what we want to say, how to say it, who to say it to. I heard a line in a movie recently which really resonated for me, it went along these lines: 

‘Death is a very human thing. If it’s human, it’s mentionable. If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable.’ 

Death is something we try to avoid; put off; prevent; treat even – and I think that this is a symptom of our fear. We are much less likely to fear something if we know more about it; what it looks like; what might happen; how we can be part of it; how we can help. If we could feel less afraid, it might feel more manageable. 

I’ve tried to think of some of the things that stop us from talking about death – there is the unfamiliarity with it – we all live longer; many more diseases are preventable and treatable; we don’t always live near our loved ones anymore, and perhaps we are less familiar with the very intimate places that illness and death take us to.  

It can feel taboo, like we are not allowed to say ‘death’ out loud, often for fear of upsetting the person who is dying. But what if the dying person wants to talk about it? Wants to know that their wishes will be carried out, that the ones they leave behind will be ok? Wants to know what it’s like to die? We live in a world that values positivity, and somehow planning for a good death does not always fit into that. It’s hard. 

Sometimes, if I’m too scared to say something to someone, I try to say just that. I don’t say the ‘thing’, instead, I say there’s something that I want to say, but I feel a bit scared to say it. Sometimes it’s a way into a conversation, we are often not alone in our fears, and the other person might be very grateful it’s finally been brought up! 

Talking also involves listening, which can be tricky if there’s a lot to think about it. If we can give each other the space and we can really try to hear what is being said (sometimes it’s what’s not being said that is the thing to listen for), it can be an incredibly supportive experience. 

A special thank you to The Harbour for providing us with this article. It’s great to know that there is a dedicated organisation to help with loss and grief.