My name is Adriana and I am a couples counsellor and individual counsellor. I offer relationship counselling at Bristol Counselling and Psychotherapy. I want to write this blog to convey some of the many reasons that people choose Relationship Counselling, and how my training and experience have influenced my Counselling practice.  As well as working in Private Practice I work as a Relationship Counsellor for Relate; the well-known Relationship Counselling agency. In both places I see couples and individuals. It means that I have offered a safe and confidential space to all kinds of people coming with all kinds of current and/or past complications. Couples, sometimes one or both, come wanting to give things another-go without descending into the usual destructive patterns; one partner may want to explain their side of the story or/and needs to stop feeling so angry/ resentful/ sad etc. Although I am not a trained Sex Therapist, Relationship Counselling is a place where people bring some sex related issues. This can be erectile disfunction (ED); polyamory; loss of interest; and emerging intrusive thoughts that are interrupting intimacy, be it for emotional or historical reasons. (If there is a possible medical aspect, particularly regarding ED, I recommend people to see their GP). Another reason people might come is because they are stuck in habitual arguments and one or both want to find caring and amicable ways forward, or move towards separation. (For managing assets and custody Mediation is a great option, which comes with legal advice that I cannot offer. Individuals sometimes come along if their relationship has ended and they are left coping with heartbreak, wanting to not make similar mistakes in future, for for all the above reasons and more. Equally many people experience negative effects of pornography and come to find support. The side effects of porn consumption can be ED, financial difficulty, guilt, feeling the need to have multiple partners, etc. I cannot provide addiction counselling but I do provide a space to air feelings and frustrations.

Regarding my approach

My approach varies. I can’t stress enough that absolutely every couple is different. John Gottman, a leading Relationship researcher, puts it like this: 69% of relationship issues are not resolvable. When we swap out one partner for another in the hope of a conflict free relationship, we are simply swapping one set of unresolvable issues for another. So, managing and understanding conflict is a worthwhile goal. For me this means that my brief is not to settle or referee arguments but more to ease expectations in favour of greater acceptance, and to inform people around communication styles/techniques. To change the balance of wanting to defend oneself in favour of listening with curiosity. This can entail tracing the origins of fixed ideas, compulsions and attitudes in order to untangle a chain of misunderstandings. The training outlined below shows the lengths I have gone to be able to take on this task.

My Training and Experience

Relationship Counselling at Relate is based on Psychodynamic and Systemic modalities/models. Psychodynamic theory focuses on our internal perspectives. It’s like visiting an optician who helps us reflect and gain greater insight into ourselves. Therefore, Psychodynamic ideas highlight our conscious and unconscious choices; thoughts and narratives. I studied Psychodynamic Counselling prior to my training at Relate and, on the tour of my internal world many of my own ‘unconscious intentions’ were revealed to me. In an opposite way Systemic theory looks outward to our environment, culture, gender, class and education. It attributes our views, values, actions and beliefs to the host of influences individuals unwittingly succumb to. Gottman describes the clenched fist, when someone is fervently pointing their frustrations, as the place where our deepest beliefs are held. I am fascinated by the image of those curled up fingers protecting the blueprint of life as we know it. I think Gottman also wants to say that no argument is trivial, despite sometimes seeming so, and that is because even the washing-up is symbolic of something meaningful to us, and we disregard the importance of the things we are fighting for far too easily.

I trained at Level 1. in Internal Family Systems (IFS), which is a modality that embraces our different, often contradictory, parts. A simple example of this is our struggle for acceptance versus our desire to be seen as an individual; for conformity and safety can easily struggle within us with our need to be authentic (inherently different). IFS is a Psychodynamic off-shoot that aims to slow down and understand what parts of a person might be activated, and why. Using curiosity and neutrality it attempts to uncover what and how something is ‘getting on our nerves; IFS seeks to loosen the knot inside us. At Level 2. IFS I chose  Intimacy from Inside Out (IFIO). The IFIO path takes what people say to each other in relationship and gently notices the actions, thoughts and reactions of each partner as the argument/ conflict moves forward. IFIO prioritises safety and encourages people to reality test their assumptions. IFIO offers people space and time to reflect on what might really be happening between the lines. This approach not only builds compassion and understanding it shows us that real communication requires us to listen and be curious about what the other person is really trying to communicate.