ADHD and SHAME

Written by Maria Vellanz

A friend of mine recently said to me, “It seems like ADHD is everywhere now”.

In the last 25 years, awareness of ADHD is present now more than ever before. In a UCL conducted study from 2000-2018 found that adult diagnoses of ADHD had increased 20 fold from previous years. The research states the data is exclusively from NHS primary care (IQVIA Medical Research Data), excluding private and secondary care data, so figures may be higher still. The study demonstrates the magnitude of growth in people in need of help. Despite the growing numbers, people with ADHD can feel alone, and not knowing who or where to turn to.

Whether officially diagnosed, or self-diagnosed, the symptoms are very real, and equally as distressing, causing disruption in people’s lives:

A distinct lack of focus, or ‘Hyperfocus’
Difficulty finishing assignments, or simple tasks (e.g. procrastination)
Unable to organise
Idiosyncratic time-keeping (being late, or the wrong day), often known as ‘Time Blindness’.
Frequently misplacing or losing possessions/every day items
Unable to partake in activities quietly
Memory: forgetfulness
Taking on too much, especially for others
Co-morbidities, e.g. Anxiety, OCD, Bipolar, Autism, substance abuse
Social issues including:

interrupting in discussions, impulsive disclosure of personal information, inability to keep still, feeling like the ‘odd one out’ and relationship difficulties

SHAME AND IT’S EFFECTS

These challenges can be painful, frustrating, and exhausting, and the biggest, hidden, and most destabilising of all ADHD difficulties is shame.

Shame is silent, hidden and reductive, impacting self-esteem and potentially humiliating, cycles of guilt, inadequacy, and anger are common. ‘Masking’ is a term that my ADHD clients use abundantly, because society taught them that in order to survive/be accepted, they have to hide their symptoms and act ‘normal’. Not only is it tiring, but it hinders a person’s freedom to be their true selves, which feeds the shame further. Shame, if not addressed and supported, deepens isolation, and a risk of additional declines in mental health.

The Devon Adult Autism and ADHD service (via DPT), refers to ADHD an “invisible disability” – the signs of this condition are not always detected, either through misunderstanding and misinformed assumptions, e.g. these people are: lazy, careless, stupid, disruptive, disinterested, rude, weird and incapable (the list could go on), or simply, the person has learned to ‘mask’ to avoid consequences, such as, “social punishment” where rejection, exclusion, being disliked and criticised is more likely, instead of getting access to the support and the adjustments that they need. Lack of social acceptance, paired with being unable to complete tasks, will dissolve someone’s confidence, not feeling good enough, ashamed of being themselves, creating anxiety, sadness and avoidance (“what’s the point”).

The external criticism can be internalised, and becomes self-critical, such as, “I’m so stupid”, “I’m no good at anything”…the feelings are heavy and hurtful. Many ADHD have turned to self-medicating to quieten the noise of shame with drugs or alcohol, or compulsive spending to ease and distract (if you need help there are organisations listed below).

Even with research, and widely accessible information about ADHD, it is still misunderstood. I still frequently hear individuals saying they thought ADHD was about ‘hyperactive, naughty children’, as opposed to adults who have careers, families – those who endeavour to lead a functioning life.

ADHD is a neurobiological condition, it is not your fault, and nothing to be ashamed of.

What can be done? Here are some things you can do:

Talk to someone, don’t do this alone.

Seeking therapy is a way of exploring shame, rejection, and the whole spectrum of emotions that ADHD can amplify. There are a growing number of ADHD informed therapists that can navigate you through your journey. Speaking to someone you can trust, without judgement can potentially ease the burden of those feelings.

If you feel you would benefit from an official diagnosis and treatment, your GP is the one to speak to, who will then refer you to specialist assessors. Often, medication and talk therapies, even coaching, can be offered, depending on your support needs (See resources below).

Remembering, this isn’t your fault.

It is a neurobiological condition, where the brain functions differently, this does not make you defective, or wrong, nor does it make you ‘less’ of a person. Educate yourself on ADHD, get the explanations as to why things happen, and perhaps why life seems more ‘chaotic’ , or ‘different’ to others. At the same time, do not let it make you a victim, you can and will improve your life, with the right help (Some resources at the bottom of the page). Dietary changes and supplements such as L-Theanine, or Lion’s Mane have been known to help, even green tea and dark chocolate, but please consult a well-informed health professional first. Remembering to not forget the basics too, staying hydrated is important, as is rest, which is not easy when your mind is ‘whizzing’.

Shame can warp our boundaries – don’t let people take advantage.

ADHD-related shame is very real. If you have experienced any, or all of the social (and societal) difficulties mentioned above, there is a temptation to overcompensate to fit in and be liked. Examples of this are ‘people-pleasing: doing things for other people when you don’t have time for yourself, doing extra work at your job in the hope you will be seen as valuable, taking on other’s problems, when you are struggling with your own. There is a risk that others may take advantage of your willingness to please, leaving you depleted.

Protect your limits, protect your boundaries.

Connect with others, finding new (or rediscovering old) interests.

Life is hard at the best of times, so it is important that you have a Healthy outlet for your stress. Creativity, exercise, time in nature, writing, or learning a new language – something that inspires you, and enhances you as a person. It can help you connect with others, even if you consider yourself introverted. There are website suggestions below (not endorsed or affiliated).

Remember, your struggles are real, as are your feelings. You and how you feel are worth validating. There is help out there, there are others who understand. Reach out, make a change, you can do this.

If you would like to seek counselling in Bristol or counselling for ADHD, our team can help. At Bristol Counselling and Psychotherapy, we have a team of experienced counsellors who are ready to offer support for a wide range of mental health issues, welcoming individuals into safe and non-judgemental spaces within which to begin their journey to recovery. If you would like to book an session with Maria, get in touch.

For more information or to book an initial consultation, please email hello@bristolcounsellingandpsychotherapy.co.uk. Alternatively, to speak to us directly, please contact 07751 271 709.

Resources and information: